Thanks for the trauma ..

It is now two months ago since the robbery. It happened in only seconds, but it left a mark. I don't find it easy to share about this robbery thing, I mean how often do we openly talk about traumatic things. It also might be triggerish to read about not only positive feelings but I know sharing about my process can also help since it was what I was looking for in other blogs. So here I go vulnerable..

I don't want to spread fear and keep you from visiting this country because this can happen anywhere. Also, this happened to me now, and I have been travelling for five years. I would also love to go back to Costa Rica one day and see more places in this beautiful country.

Before it happened I had been starting to feel stronger and seeing my power as a woman. I started to trust and feel confident in myself more. One incident and it felt like a kickback. I felt so powerless and vulnerable as a woman when they came from behind and pushed me onto the ground. I froze and went into survival mode, I acted instinctively and I realized my thoughts only later. I tried to see it positive in the beginning because the fact that they needed weapons could also show our strength. But I was not able to protect myself or my friend at that moment and the thought that anything could have happened fears me.

I don't care that the robbers took my materials, if they needed it to survive to take care of their family I get it, and they probably needed it more than I did. And honestly, it also had its benefits not having a phone for seven weeks: being fully present in that beautiful natural environment. What I do care about is how they took it. Besides feeling grateful that nothing worse happened I feel pain in moments that trigger me. The incident felt like some sort of punishment. I felt an uncontrollable fear for my life when friends wanted to plan something outside of the sanctuary without a car. While I normally love new adventures and trust whatever comes or happens: 'go with the flow'. When people told me they went to Arco Beach and some even went alone and had a good time, I immediately felt fear for them. Also, I felt a certain form of jealousy that they were able to see only the beauty of Arco Beach. I wished I could have seen just the beautiful side. When these feelings of pain and fear arise the questions arise in my head: What did I do wrong or should I have done differently? Was I not aware enough? Have I not been taking good care of myself? What circumstances made that I was lucky that nothing worse happened? I feel shame for hearing these thoughts and in those moments I feel alone even tho I am surrounded by people who care for me. I then feel angry and shame that it impacted me this way because it only happened in seconds. I know that these feelings of fear and pain don't define me, even tho it does not always feel like it in the moments when the feelings are strong. I then keep reminding myself that what happened was not my fault, I did not deserve this. This happened and it sucked and I need to be kind and empathic towards myself during this process.

I do still believe everything happens for a reason. It felt like a wake-up call and I see the lessons I can learn from this experience. I realized again that travelling in a beautiful country is not always and only magical. There is danger even if you try to see the positive things in life. There is poverty and a gap between the rich and the poor people. It makes me also question if I as an expat want to live in a country like Costa Rica one day with the knowledge that I possibly add to this gap. It changed my view on safety, the meaning of safety is different/real for me now. I feel it when someone says 'Be safe'. Also, I will choose more mindfully who to listen to when making travel decisions because from what I experienced locals know their homes better. F.e. Considering hitchhiking locals told me don't do it because it is not safe but travellers said it is great (what I get because it is cheap and it can go x times right). But yea I am not hitchhiking anymore..

Besides that this experience felt like a kickback it has also made me see where I am in my journey to self-love and it reminded me of what I need to nurture and love myself especially those moments when feelings arise strongly. I use some tools and practice some things that help me to love and nurture myself, if you are curious about them keep an eye on my following blog posts! Also if you experienced something like this yourself and feel like sharing your story with me, if you need an ear to listen to you or to feel not alone feel free to reach out to me<3