As a woman, as a human I feel

I am working so much on loving myself and healing myself into self-acceptance over the past year. All these tantric healing workshops, a woman remember training I am participating in for a year from downtoearthwomen, which is super powerful and recommended btw! I will share more about it in another blog. It all also confronts and triggers me so much, and I feel so vulnerable. I feel more intensely difficult emotions (besides the easy, joyful ones) or it seems to feel more intense, which makes sense I mean we frame them as 'difficult' for a reason. Why do I keep going into these healing processes and let myself get triggered when it feels so difficult? Where is all this healing good for? What is worth feeling all this pain and sadness? What am I healing actually? Why does this path to self-love hurt so much? questions I had been asking myself a few days after the Shaktipat ceremony (see my previous blog).

It was interesting for me to hear these questions because I have been going to healing workshops, and going into healing in general because it felt like this is what I needed, to not feel stuck again with thoughts and emotions, and to love myself. It was probably my protection mechanism that made me question because this path feels uncomfortable and is not one straight line up in which you can tick off boxes. Glennon Doyle reminded me with her book 'Untamed' that the goal of feeling all this pain, and what actually the point is of living: is to feel. We have learned to only feel 'happy' feelings and store everything else away in our bodies.

The deeper I dive, the more layers I shed, and the more I feel as if I am coming back to the source, to my authentic me. Who is she? without all the conditions formed by society and by traumas, without all the layers formed during my life on earth, and formed in my lineage. Who is she? underneath the fear, the shame and the guilt. It feels like I am learning from scratch again as if I am starting from the bottom. It feels naked underneath these layers, but it feels real. Learning to feel myself and to feel all these layers makes my heart feel more open to feeling what is underneath. It makes my heart feel more open to understanding, compassion and love towards myself and others. I still feel shame, fear and guilt and I can block when I feel pain, especially when I feel like crying to express and to release this pain, but I do not want to close myself and run away from these feelings and hold them anymore in my body and suffer. Therefore I choose to heal, to feel, because as a woman, as a human I feel.

I feel safe and not alone in knowing that we all have these layers and that we all feel. I believe the more we share our vulnerabilities from our open hearts and give space to sharing without judgements, to let pain be felt without the feeling it needs to be fixed or the person needs to be fixed the more we feel together in being, and the more we stop differentiate from each other, the more we can feel safe and feel love to simply be and to feel EVERYTHING. If you feel like sharing healing workshops or experiences I would love to hear about them. If you would like to know more about the workshops I have done or anything else feel free to reach out to me <3