My Journey to Self-Love

As promised I would share the tools and practices I use for self-love. First of all, I want to share what self-love means to me. Self-love means to me to be kind to my self through every emotion and thought that arises from experiences. Self-love means to accept myself as I am and to not try to change who I am or better said to listen to the core me and not be influenced by the inner critic that judges me and stops me from saying or doing what I would feel like out of fear for rejection.

My journey to self-love started last year in 2022. I became aware of myself, of my way of thinking and the coping mechanisms I use. Right there after two weeks on that beautiful island named Curacao and I had 4,5 months more to go. I had made choices that hurt me and I did not understand why I made them. And being away from my comfort zone on that island I questioned myself 'Who am I without all the influences from home?'. At times I felt so lost and stuck with self-destructive thoughts even tho I was living on this beautiful island. In those moments I even felt guilty and it felt like I was walking in circles and I could not find a way out of the difficult feelings and thoughts. I needed to change things but I did not know how, that is when I knew I wanted and needed help.

When I got back after being half a year abroad I went into therapy and got self-love recommendations from friends. Ever since I use some tools that have helped and still help me in this never-ending process of self-love, to trust the decisions I make and to feel safe within. These tools consist of books, a morning routine, and a podcast, and I love to share them with you!

Books

The Artist Way by Julia Cameron

One month after my internship in Curacao I went to Costa Rica to volunteer in a wildlife sanctuary. I started to read this book called The Artist Way thanks to my beautiful friend that lend it to me. It is a book that made me come closer to myself and made me become my own best friend. The book consists of a twelve-week workbook with creative tasks that took me back into my childhood and made me look forward. Who am I? What have I always wanted to do but have I stopped doing due to external influences? What do I need to be me fully and whole? Two conditions for starting the tasks in the book were that I needed to take myself on a date at least once a week and I needed to write every morning three pages in my journal.

Since that book, I started a morning routine and I started being more creative again. I also started to make more time for myself and learned (and still am learning) to not feel guilty for it. It felt and still feels difficult with times to disappoint loved ones because I need the time for myself. But it has made me feel more energized and able to share love when I take the time to be with myself and nurture myself when I need it.

The tools in this book I still use and they help me to stay true to myself, to practice to express myself in the way that I am and to learn to set boundaries. This book made me realise that the answer to loving myself has always been inside of me.

Expressing through Creativity

Thanks to the tasks in the Artist way I realized again how much I enjoy painting, drawing, dancing and singing and how I would love to learn to play an instrument. I even bought a guitar! I touched it maybe three times hihi, oops but it is a start. Sometimes talking about feelings or thoughts doesn't help (enough). Expressing myself through creativity than makes me release what I feel without using words. I think of the emotion I feel and start using it and it helps me, I feel lighter after. And if you feel shy or shame to express yourself in this way especially when people are around, no worries I also feel shy haha but I guess that is part of the process. I believe the more we will love ourselves the more we dare to express ourselves and let our voices be heard.

'Nu ga ik maar eens even lekker van mezelf houden' by Lianne Sanders

One of my closest friends gave me a book named (translated from Dutch) 'Now I am simply going to love my self' for my last birthday. It was a short story about a woman that thought that she had it all but then realised that she was losing herself in her previous relationship and she made experiences that make her find herself again such as a break-up and finding new love again. I could resonate with the story; it felt like a hug and a confirmation that I was not the only one experiencing things a certain way. In that book, the podcast of Tara Brach was mentioned. Apparently, she helped the main character of the story to understand certain things about her break-up and finding herself so I was curious, and ever since I listen to Tara Brach.

Podcast of Tara brach

Tara Brach is like a mom to me in her podcasts. She explains what the emotions that we feel try to tell us, and to not define ourselves with what we feel but to see it is as something separate. I believe, and thanks to Tara and my therapist, that there is no such thing as 'My' feeling since we all can feel anger, sadness, joy, excitement, etc. This thought helps me to not define myself with the feelings that I feel and to see them as a message. Which can feel difficult when feelings feel very strong. Tara also teaches how to listen to the emotions we feel with the RAIN method (Recognize, Allow, Investigate and Nurture):

Recognise: What emotion do I feel, do I recognise in my body?

Allow: Can I let this be there? am I allowing myself to feel this?

Investigate: what is it that I am really afraid of? what childhood need want/need to feel heard?

Nurture: What do I need to nurture myself? How can I help myself? I tell myself all that I am worthy of or I hug myself (and yes you are not silly for holding yourself, please do you deserve your own hug!), whatever my inner child needs to feel nurtured in this need.

The emotions often pass after I listened and sat with them. I say often because also this is a process of repeating practice. The thought of 'omg I am feeling difficult feelings I need to get rid of them' or 'I am wrong for feeling this' is not helping me, and this method does help me and I highly recommend it if you feel at times stuck in the feelings you feel.

Her podcast takes between 45 minutes to an hour, so you need to make the time to listen to it. I listen to them during public transport, taking a bath or during cooking for example. She also has some really nice meditations btw!

Morning routine

I start the day with a morning routine that consists of an online youtube class from Yoga with

Adriene and meditation from either Irene Langeveld or DowntoEarthWomen. Yoga makes my body move and let the emotions flow faster than without practising yoga in the morning. Doing meditation after yoga makes me sit with how I feel while focusing on my breath. I feel often warm and at peace after a 15 to 20-minute meditation. After doing yoga and/or meditation I Journal. I write down how I feel and the thoughts that arise with the feelings. I try to write three pages every day, but sometimes it is less. Journalling helps me to understand why I (need to) feel what I feel. After doing my morning routine I feel lighter, an empty head (crazy right for an overthinker hihi) and I feel ready to start the day with compassion.

Share with friends

Oh how grateful I am for my close friends that make me feel safe to share any feeling or thought without judging me. Sometimes you don't need advice but you simply need someone to listen and to feel understood and not alone. Sharing also helps to not feel alone in what you feel or think, since it gives the space to others to share their experiences also which you can resonate with, as I shared in my previous blog we are not that different after all. Honestly, it is not always easy for me to share how I feel or think out of fear of judgement, for feeling wrong or too much. I experience that it depends with whom I share and also it helps to ask beforehand if the person has the space to listen and to share what I need and ask if the other person can give that to me. I am part of a woman's circle and this group of beautiful souls was for me the first experience of how the feelings that we feel and the thoughts we have are allowed to be there without any judgement. I find it beautiful how we humans can create this safe space for each other, to support each other into loving ourselves, into accepting ourselves by simply listening and being there.

With practising these tools, all the difficult feelings are not suddenly gone. Emotions can still feel strong in moments only now I know now that they come and will pass again. I can distinguish the inner critic from my core being and I keep reminding myself. I give them space to be felt and to see what I can learn from it even tho it is not always easy, and with all this, I feel that my love for myself is growing. I hope I can help you too in your process of loving yourself by sharing these tools. I have more book recommendations on the app @goodreads, if you are curious follow me! If you have any other self-love recommendations your self please share them with me! And If you have questions considering the tools I use or anything else feel free to contact me <3