My parents got a divorce when I was 19

I will share my experience as a child of divorced parents not to put my parents in a bad light, because they are children too and they have done what they thought was best at that time. I am here to share my experience for other children who are going through a divorce or have been going through one no matter the age, to feel that you are not alone in experiencing a divorce.

On a Saturday morning in September, my parents asked my sister and me to come to their bedroom in the attic. So we went in our pyjamas. My parents were sitting in bed and shared with us: 'We are going to get a divorce'. I thought they were joking, I also said 'You are joking right?'. One of my parents started crying and I realized it was not a joke. I could not believe it. It seemed like the past summer went better than ever between them.

It only hit me in the evening, when I realized that they were really going to separate. That evening I ran up from my bed to their attic and cried in between them in their bed. That felt like the last time my safe haven was in one place.

I was 19 when my parents told me they were going to get divorced. When I was in primary school, other kids had divorced parents and I felt that we were one of the not-so-many families where everything was still good. My parents were my example of 'love is for always'. They had been together since they were teenagers and were still in love, so I thought.

After I shared that my parents were going to divorce some people said: 'It is better that you are at this age than that you were younger and your parents would get a divorce'. Well, I can assure you it does not matter how old you are, a divorce is a divorce and it hurts.

It felt like my world collapsed, the safe haven I had had my entire life: gone, no more safe boat. It felt like Titanic: all these broken pieces of the boat in the water. I hung onto my boyfriend back then and I feel grateful for his (emotional) support, although I am aware it was not his job to create this safe haven as my parents created for me. It felt weird losing this safe haven because although things did not go smoothly in our family in the months/years before the divorce it still felt like this basis that was always there and was now gone. All these uncertainties arose: Where are we going to live? where are my parents going to live? I don't want to do this separate living thing with a schedule, how will I see them and spend my love equally? My parents told me I should get into therapy. I thought: 'What are you guys talking about, why me? if I should go you all should definitely go'. Anyways, I went to this personal coach in the beginning. I found myself being the helper and trying to fix everything for everyone emotionally. Well, that was a job too heavy on my shoulders and it was also not my job at all as a child. My personal coach advised me to take care of myself first since that was my own responsibility. It did help me to feel less heavy without carrying others through their pain, although it was not easy to disappoint my loved ones and to receive this feedback from them.

All these emotions of all my family members, WOW different rollercoasters arose during this divorce. I often felt like my emotions were too much, because of processing emotions differently, at a different pace than the rest of my family. It felt so difficult to not blame and felt blamed during this divorce. It felt like everybody was pointing at each other instead of taking responsibility for their own feelings. Everybody felt hurt and was trying to find a new safe haven while going into emotional rollercoaster loops at different times. I felt little understanding and I had the feeling that so did they. The divorce drove us apart. It did not feel like a break-up between my parents but between all our separate selves. I lost my sister in phases and I got two completely new parents back. Where one wall went down, the other one went up. I felt a lot of (emotional) distance, we were protecting ourselves against each other while we were actually seeking love and acceptance for the decisions we made and for how we were feeling.

I felt a lot of guilt, for feeling so much sadness after their separation. I did not expect these grief emotions because I did not feel happy about the situation at home before the summer of their divorce. It felt like I was responsible for my parents' divorce, but it was never my role as a child, no matter the age, to have any say in my parents' relationship. After feeling guilty for a few years, I started to feel a lot of anger when I realized that my parents' divorce was never my fault. I felt hurt because I took the blame on myself all that time. Unfair it felt. I found it difficult to feel this anger, because it was felt by my family and hurting others by expressing this hurt and anger made me feel guilty again. Great cycle as you can see. Years it takes me to heal from it, and there are still processes going on. It did help me tho, to feel this anger, to feel that my boundaries were crossed and to express this. Even when I did not receive the feeling of being seen in this as I wished for it helped me see myself through expressing, and through giving myself the space to feel heard by at least myself.

Even tho the divorce had a huge impact on me and my family I never felt that the divorce was a wrong decision of my parents. The most impactful was not their separation but the misunderstanding and not feeling heard and seen by each other during the process. After the divorce, I saw them finding themselves again, their happiness without each other.

I would love to share some tools I used to deal with this rollercoaster:

• Seek help from others that are going through the same and share with them, because we children are not alone in this. Villa Pinedo can help you get in contact with a buddy who is going through the same or went through the same. This buddy can help you by sharing their experience and/or listening to yours.

• Surround yourself with family, friends and other loved ones when you need comfort.

• Do what you need, and when you need it. You really cannot keep everyone happy in this case.

• Therapy and/or coaching does help. Honestly, I thank my parents they advised me to go since it helped me to learn on all of our rollercoasters to stay true to myself, and close to myself. Therapy helped me to validate how I feel, what I need and how to give this to myself or ask for this.

If you feel like sharing your experience with me or want to ask me anything considering my experience with the divorce feel free to reach out <3.