That one Heartbreak

Heartbreaks suck, they are painful emotional rollercoasters if you ask me. You probably experienced one yourself and think of a particular relationship or I am sorry if you are in one now. I am going to share in this blog about mine. I remembered how much I was looking for external validation for how I was feeling when I went through the heartbreak. I searched for quotes and other's heartbreak story and it helped me, so here I am sharing my experience to let you know you are not alone in this.

I thought I had found it. The love of my life, my future. He was my world for 4,5 years. Until something changed in me. I thought something was wrong with me. I still loved him but it did not feel the same. I went to meditation and yoga classes, talked with a personal coach and read relationship books. I needed to heal, to feel the same again. I wanted this relationship so bad because I loved him and had wanted it for 4,5 years, so why was I feeling as if something was lacking?

I could not find the answer. Communicating also did not change a thing, it was one of the few moments that I felt close to him again. I could feel respect and love when we talked about what did not work because we had different life goals and love languages. I wished he had told me 'I see your unhappiness, it is better if we let each other go for now' instead of letting me make the decision. On the other hand that would have been the easy option, this was my decision, my responsibility to take for myself. I really tried to fix what I was missing but I felt the need for time for myself. To figure out what it was that I needed, what I was feeling. So we broke up and said maybe we find each other again in the future.

For months, years even (wow time flies) I have been feeling guilty or wrong with times and questioning myself. Why and how can I still care for him but not see it work? Did I make a mistake? Last year after going abroad for six months I realized that I needed him emotionally and I thought that had been the problem. I thought if I would have healed it would have worked. It was a fair thought, but still, me blaming myself. It was not my fault. It was nobody's fault. I had not acknowledged until recently that my needs were not met anymore even tho I communicated them. Sometimes you can love someone to the fullest but not give the other person what they need because you speak a different love language or just because you cannot. You can grow apart, and not be able to give each other what is needed to grow together. Breaking up did not make me a bad person, it did not make me wrong or deserve less, something I had been telling myself. That is probably the reason why I got into some toxicity after.. Anyways, I tried, we tried and It was brave to choose what I needed and I see that now. I was hurt too and it is actually something beautiful to feel because there where is pain there is growth. I let my therapist tell me that, and I experienced it. At the moment I found it hard to take it because heartbreak hurts like *^$#@. But I have been growing so much since. I have become closer to myself, to loving myself, to setting boundaries and to listening to what I really want and I still am in that process. Where a big special door closes more magnificent doors open. I believed I would never love again and I would not find anybody who would take as good care of me as he did. I did, I found new love which has been a mirror, confronting and full of love. This new love has shown me that I am so much closer to my self now than I was and it supports me to grow. Nobody can replace what I had in my previous relationship. I also do not want anymore what I had, because that is not what I need to grow as the person that I am today. The relationship with my ex is still special to me and part of me. I still care about him, from a distance. I feel grateful for that what we had and what I learned.

If you are going through a heartbreak now I want to tell you that you will get through it. This rollercoaster ride will get less heavy and you will love again even tho it might not feel like it, I feel you I was there too. YOU DESERVE LOVE. In case you need a hand to get through this, here are some of the tools I used:

- Buy that Ben & Jerry and watch that cry movie on Netflix. Crying helps it releases and there is probably lots to release!

- Share your feelings with a person you trust and feel safe to share with. I was able to share memos about how I felt with my friend every day.

- Listening to the 'heartbreak podcast' on Spotify, it has two short podcasts per day.

- Find distractions! Dance it out of your system for example. I partied a lot. I don't say it healed me but it distracted me from feeling sorrow for myself 24/7.

- Hug yourself, your stuffed animals or ask for hugs whenever you need one♥️